Life After Divorce: 3 Steps to Starting Anew
Divorce is a life altering event, and even under the most amicable circumstances, is rarely easy. Almost everything changes, from your finances and parenting to your living situation and social life. Simply put, divorce can feel like an upheaval and adjusting to your new life may bring up a variety of emotions. As you experience the feelings, and begin to move forward after divorce, you can also see this moment as a new beginning and an opportunity to figure out what you want for yourself.
GIVE YOURSELF TIME AND SPACE TO HEAL
Even though divorce statistics are quite high, people do not typically get married thinking that they will end up divorced. Divorce often brings up a multitude of emotions; Keep in mind that the first year after the divorce is typically the most difficult.
Even if you asked for divorce, the dissolution of your marriage may feel like a loss. You may be grieving the end of the marriage, the loss of the hopes and dreams you had for your life, the identity you created as a married person, or changes that impact your relationships with your children. You can expect that dealing with the loss will bring up uncomfortable feelings such as sadness.
You may be in shock or denial about the end of the marriage. You may feel regretful about things you did or, maybe you wish that things had turned out differently. Often divorce brings up feelings of failure and questions about what other people think of you. You also may feel regretful and think about the things you “could have done” to save the marriage.
Overwhelm, fear, uncertainty and doubt are also common feelings after divorce. Perhaps you have never handled the finances or you may have to start working. During divorce you will have to make a lot of adjustments. If you think about all of the changes at once, you may feel overwhelmed. Take one step at a time. With practice and time, you will learn how to do the things you need to do to take care of yourself. You may even find your new indepence liberating and empowering.
Allow yourself to move through the feelings, but also remember that holding on to the past or your dreams about your family’s future can make it difficult for you to move forward. Keep in mind that, with time, the feelings typically subside. You may have thoughts such as, “If only…,” “How did this happen to me?” “How did things go so awry?” Try to gently redirect your thoughts toward acceptance. Remind yourself that, even though life may not have turned out as you planned, you can still feel happiness and enjoy your life.
It is important to remember that you don’t have to do it alone. If you find yourself having difficulty moving forward, consider talking to a therapist. Talking about your thoughts and feelings can help you understand why your marriage did not work, and you can process your thoughts and feelings. In addition, a therapist can help you navigate the changes in your life.
CREATE A CO-PARENTING PLAN
Studies show that children do better after divorce when parents cooperate and focus on what’s best for the children. While you and your ex may not have worked well together in marriage, it is important that you find a way to work together for the sake of your children. Instead of focusing on who gets what or who wins, keep in mind that co-parenting is all about your child’s experience. Do what you can to help your children transition to their new life.
Developing a clear and thorough parenting plan can go a long way toward preventing disagreements about who spends time with the kids and when. Be specific about holidays, birthdays, summers and vacation time when you create your co-parenting plan. A good parenting plan also addresses daily routines for schoolwork, bedtime, screen time or extra-curricular activities. In addition, work together to create a clear plan with regard to rules and consequences for breaking them. Children do much better when parents work together and have a similar approach to parenting.
Having a clear plan for communication between you and your ex that also addresses how you will handle disagreements will go a long way toward keeping the peace. When you co-parent effectively, your children will recognize that their well-being is most important to both of you.
EMBRACE YOUR NEW LIFE
There is no doubt that relationships change us, and you might realize that during your marriage you have made changes that better reflect your ex’s needs and preferences than your own. Divorce can be an opportunity for you to re-establish an identity that expresses who you are and who you want to be.
Sometimes a feeling of aimlessness may creep in after divorce leaving you feeling lost, lonely and confused. Making positive changes in your life can help you move forward with greater hope and an expectation of good things to come. Changing your daily routine can go a long way toward promoting a sense of renewal, hope and excitement about your new life.
Taking care of yourself is more important now than ever. Make sure you are healthy in body and mind. Visit your doctor and get a physical. Make self-care a daily habit. Sometimes decluttering your house or making your space uniquely your own can ignite hope and promote positive feelings.
Make new friends. While socializing on your own may seem daunting, creating a new social circle will help fill up time you might otherwise spend ruminating about the past, while also giving you a chance to create new positive memories. Often talking to others who have already been where you are can help normalize your feelings and experience.
There is no doubt that divorce and the beginnings of life after divorce are tumultuous times. However, divorce is so common these days that you can look at divorce as one of many life experiences, the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.
For many, life after divorce is better than they could have imagined. Take your time. Create a cooperative co-parenting plan. Embrace your new life. Be open to possibilities. Remember, you get to design the next chapter.
If you or anyone you know has questions about life after divorce, reach out to me at (310) 486-8842.