On Part-time Parenting
“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses”
-Abraham Lincoln
Are you thinking about divorce, but cannot stand the thought of not being with your child or children half of the time? There is little doubt that divorce can be traumatic; and the thought of part-time parenting can be overwhelming and feel devastating. For some, the thought of part-time parenting is simply unimaginable.
Yet, for many, staying in an unhappy, unhealthy, and perhaps conflict-ridden marriage is not the solution. How can you overcome the sadness, guilt or remorse related to divorce, changing the family structure, and parenting part-time? Might there be perks to part-time parenting?
The cycle of part-time parenting often involves days filled with missing your child, followed by several, often intense and overwhelming, days with your child, followed by days of longing to be with your child again. Research shows that children fare the best when both parents are involved in co-parenting; so, despite the big feelings associated with parenting part-time, nurturing the relationship with the other parent is paramount.
Sometimes, a bad spouse can be a great parent, and a great spouse may be a bad parent. In some cases, a parent, who was otherwise less involved with the children, may step up and become more involved after divorce; and the relationship with that parent may grow stronger than it was before the divorce. For example, parents may plan ahead, working more when they are not with their children, so that, when they are with the kids, they can share more quality, one-on-one time.
SHIFT YOUR MINDSET
Instead of thinking that your co-parent is “taking” time away from you and your child, realize that spending time with both parents is the best way for kids to make a healthy transition during divorce. Sometimes parenting improves when co-parenting because, instead of feeling like “I have to” do this parenting thing, they feel like they “get to” spend time with their children. Sometimes parents get along, (and parent) better, when living apart than when they are living together in an unhappy relationship.
Try using gratitude. When we shift our focus from what we don’t have to what we are grateful for, we gain freedom and peace. Perhaps you may feel grateful that you chose to leave a marriage that was not working for you or your children. Perhaps you may feel grateful that you can model self-love or the importance of staying true to yourself. Perhaps you may have the opportunity to show your children what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. Or, perhaps, you are a better parent when you are free from the misery of an unhappy household.
SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN
Research demonstrates that quality is more important than quantity when it comes to parenting. Children thrive when they feel seen, heard and understood by their parents, so making the most of the time you have with your children is essential.
But, what is quality time? Quality time can involve doing an activity chosen by your child, taking the time to play with your child in the park without distractions, playing music and having a dance party, or quality time could simply involve snuggling on the couch. With older children, quality time may mean that you eat dinner together and check-in on the happenings of their day.
In some cases, you may even be able to spend quality time with your child when they are not with you; that is only if your co-parent is onboard with that. You may offer to have your co-parent and the kids over to your house for dinner (one of the perks of getting along with your co-parent). Or, you may offer to pick your kids up from school when they are not with you. You may offer to help your co-parent when their schedule does not match up with the co-parenting schedule. (Some people see this as doing their co-parent a “favor” and miss this opportunity to spend more time with the children). You can set up a daily facetime call with your child, perhaps to say “goodnight.”
MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF
When airline attendants recite safety measures before take-off, they always suggest that parents place their oxygen mask on before putting the oxygen mask on their children. The same is true with parenting. When we run ourselves ragged, trying to be the “best” at everything we do, without taking time to refresh, we may end up exhausted, impatient and otherwise not present with our children. Often, a parent, who strives to please others at all costs, without taking care of themselves, feels like a victim or martyr, which diminishes the quality of the time spent with their children and the parent-child relationship.
If you want to be totally present when you do have time with kids, you must take time to “fill your tank” or “recharge your batteries”. Time spent alone may be an opportunity to gain balance in your life.
Here are some activities you may do when your children are with your co-parent:
Exercise
Read
See a movie you have been wanting to see
Spend time with friends
Take a class you have wanted to try
Catch up on sleep
Relax by taking a bath or getting a massage
Spend a day binge-watching your favorite show
STAY OPEN-MINDED
While being apart from your children may be the hardest thing you have ever done, if you keep an open mind, you may find that the arrangement actually works best for everyone. Children thrive when they have time with both parents, which (in some cases) may not have happened when the parents were married. Parents who live in a calm, peaceful space often parent more effectively, and are available to be more present with their children, enhancing the parent-child connection.
Children thrive when they have a relationship with both parents so nurturing both relationships is so important. Finally, remember that co-parenting is not about you. You co-parent for the benefit of your children.
Working with a therapist provides the space and safety to process your thoughts and feelings and more clearly understand your situation. You will develop tools and gain greater clarity. If you are considering divorce, I can help you make the decision to stay or leave with confidence. You do not have to make this difficult decision alone. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment or a complimentary 15-minute consultation call me at (310) 486-8842 or e-mail me at coreyhirschlcsw@gmail.com.