Dealing With Uncertainty
“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is. Knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.”
John Allen Paulos
Life is filled with uncertainty about the future and feelings of insecurity can feel overwhelming. As human beings, we want to feel sure about what will happen and we crave knowledge about the future. Uncertainty occurs when we do not know what will happen, and often, leads to a stream of “what ifs.” What if “this” happens? What if “that” happens? And, if “this” happens, then another terrible thing will happen, and on and on. One question leads to another and, before you know it, you have gone down the catastrophe rabbit hole. Very often, the what ifs never happen and the time spent focused on all the negative possibilities results in exhaustion, paralysis and wasted time.
There is very little we can be certain about, and the not-knowing, can fuel a lot of anxiety and fear. Uncertainty feels like a threat to our well-being and, evolutionarily speaking, our brains are wired for survival and to respond to that perceived danger.
Often, worrying gives a false sense of control about the future. Sometimes you feel like worrying will prepare you for the dreaded event. However, the opposite is true. More worry leads to greater feelings of helplessness. So how do you learn to live with constant uncertainty? No matter how scared or helpless you feel, you can learn to live with the unknown by adjusting your mindset.
If you feel uncertain and worried about the future, it is important that you know you are not alone. So many of us feel stressed and anxious all the time. When we live with constant worry and feelings of danger, the fight-or-flight hormones persist and that ongoing flood of chemicals leads to health issues, such as high blood pressure, digestive problems, cancer and more.
Uncertainty will never go away, and when you resist uncertainty you are arguing with reality. Reality wins 100% of the time. As Carl Jung said “what you resist persists.” Resistance causes paralysis, which keeps you in the problem and interferes with moving towards a solution.
Even though acceptance may feel like you are giving something up, acceptance is not resignation. With acceptance you gain the freedom to look at the thought differently, enabling you to recognize possible solutions and greater empowerment so that you may move forward with peace. While practicing acceptance seems difficult, it is the most effective way to move forward with your life.
The Work
The Work is a simple technique that involves asking four questions and then turning the thought around. The Work allows you to live life on life’s terms, by diffusing the power of the thoughts and allowing you to release the thoughts that keep you stuck..
Let’s work with a simple thought. “If I don’t get this job, I won’t be able to support myself.” Write the thought down on a piece of paper. Visualize yourself in that moment. What is happening?
Question the Thought - Is it true?
Ask yourself “is it true?”
Is it true that if you don’t get the job, you will not be able to support yourself? What proof do you have to support the thought? The answer is either yes or no.
Question the Thought - Can you know with absolute certainty that it is true?
Can you know with absolute certainty that what you think or feel is true? The answer is either yes or no. Typically the thought is not totally true or not true at all. If the thought is not totally true, then it is not true.
Can you know with absolute certainty that you will not be able to support yourself if you don’t get this job? Might there be other jobs you can get? Might you be able to decrease your expenses so that you can afford your lifestyle until you find another job? What real evidence do you have that the thought is true?
Just because something happened in the past or seems like it is inevitable, we cannot ever know with absolute certainty that the thought is absolutely true. Thoughts are not facts even though they feel so real.
Question the Thought - How do you feel when you have the thought?
Take yourself back to the situation and really sink into it. “If I don’t get this job, I won’t be able to support myself.”
How do you feel when you have the thought? Where do you feel it in your body? Are you angry? Scared? Lonely? Sad? Resentful?
Question the Thought - How would you feel or react if you did not have the thought?
If you could drop or lose the thought, (which you can’t), who would you be? How would you react? How would you feel? Open? Neutral? Free? Excited?
Do the turnarounds
“If I don’t get this job, I won't be able to support myself” becomes “If I do get this job, I will be able to support myself.” Try that on. How does that thought feel? Isn’t it just as likely that you will get the job you want as the original thought? How can you really know that you won’t get the job? When we live in “what ifs” the alternative thought, “what if not,” is usually available. Might that be as true or more true than the original thought?
“If I don’t get this job, I won’t be able to support myself” becomes “If I don’t get this job, I will be able to support myself.”
Might that be as true or more true than the original thought? Might there be another job for you? MIght another job that you may not know about be an even better fit for you than the one you currently want? Can you work a few lower paying jobs temporarily until you find a job that works for you? Can you lower your monthly expenses? Identify three reasons why you will be able to support yourself even if you don’t get this job.
For people who are willing to be open and honest during inquiry, The Work diffuses the paralyzing thoughts and people typically feel freer, lighter and more optimistic.
If you feel stuck because of anxiety, resentment, or guilt about the past or fear about the future, The Work provides a tool for managing difficult thoughts. If you have the desire and the willingness to try something new, I can help you untangle the thoughts that keep you stuck so that you can experience a greater sense of well-being.
If you are interested in scheduling an appointment or a complimentary 15-minute consultation, call me at (310) 486-8842 or email me at coreyhirschlcsw@gmail.com