Overcoming Perfectionism

 OVERCOMING PERFECTIONISM

Perfectionism is the relentless drive to feel, appear and be flawless. Often people refer to themselves as perfectionists with pride, and society often views perfectionism as a positive trait. However, perfectionism can be counter-productive, as the perfectionist, driven by fear, sets unrealistic, impossible to reach goals, takes success for granted, has difficulty accepting praise and continually sets the bar higher. 

While counter-intuitive, perfectionists become distracted by ruminating thoughts of failure, and often spends more time putting out lower quality work. Perfectionism contributes to the core belief that “I am not good enough,” self-criticism, anxiety, depression and emotional paralysis as the perfectionist, fearing failure, procrastinates or stops taking on challenges all together. Such paralysis may appear as procrastination, lack of motivation or depression, and leads to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. 

Perfectionists often find themselves in a lose-lose situation. If they try the task, they may fail but if they don’t try the task, they also feel like a failure. As a result, perfectionists often struggle with anxiety and/or depression.

SIGNS OF PERFECTIONISM

ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING

All-or-nothing thinking is a common cognitive distortion wherein the individual views the world in absolutes. For perfectionists, who view the world through an all-or-nothing, black or white lens, there are only two options: total success or total failure; they are either all good or all bad. They are overly critical of themselves and others.

Perfectionists use language such as “always,” “never,” and examples of perfectionist language may be “I will never pass this test,” or “no one will ever love me.” People who experience the world with an either/or approach often develop low self-esteem, feel like a failure, have difficulty finding solutions, are less likely to take risks, or have difficulty asking others for help. 

FEELING LET DOWN OR DEPRESSED BY UNMET GOALS

Perfectionists often set unrealistic goals, and they often focus only on getting to the end result rather than enjoying the growth involved and learning new skills. Perfectionists worry that letting go of high standards will lead to poor performance or failure. Perfectionists often beat themselves up, focus only on the negative and they often have difficulty bouncing back from set-backs. The individual may experience anxiety as they feel overwhelmed by the pressure to succeed, or depression may occur in response to negative self-appraisal and self-criticism. 

LOW MOTIVATION OR PROCRASTINATION

While counter-intuitive, perfectionism often contributes to low productivity and may present as lack of motivation, procrastination, depression or laziness as the individual finds themselves paralyzed by fears of failure. When anything less than perfect seems like a failure, individuals often worry about being perfect to the extent that they find themselves immobilized and have difficulty getting started or taking first steps toward their goal. 

The individual may experience low life satisfaction, low self-esteem, and increased self-criticism. Negative self-appraisal leads to anxiety and depression which exacerbates negative feelings about oneself, and creates a paralyzing, vicious cycle. 

IMPOSTER SYNDROME

Imposter syndrome occurs when a high achieving person experiences self-doubt to the extent that the individual feels like a phony. Perfectionistic thoughts contribute to the belief that they are not as competent as others may think they are. Perfectionists often believe that their efforts will never be enough, attribute their success to luck and they fear being discovered as a fraud.

OVERCOMING PERFECTIONISM

Overcoming perfectionism involves dismantling the core belief that “I am not good enough.” Using a simple and quick technique for challenging distressing thoughts, I help people recognize that first thoughts are often unreliable. Next, we work together to develop healthy, alternative, equally truthful thoughts that support well-being. 

Humans are judging machines and we are biologically geared to assess each situation for danger. The perfectionist accepts the first thought as fact, and becomes attached to that first thought. “I’m not good enough,” or “I can’t do this,” are examples of perfectionistic thoughts and perfectionists may use past “failures” as evidence to support the original, negative thought.  

The process of untangling distressing thoughts involves filling out a simple 5-question worksheet, and then, working together, we chip away at the negative thought to diffuse its power. The process teaches us to question the first thought and develop an equally true, less-distressing alternative thought. 

We learn to question the thoughts that cause distress. Reframing the thought neutralizes the power we have attached to the thought and we gain clarity and relief. The process of challenging thoughts and seeking the truth leads to a feeling of freedom and empowerment.

If you are interested in learning more, or if you want to become unburdened by negative, limiting beliefs, call me at (310) 486-8842 or visit my website at www.coreyhirschlcsw.com.