Perfectionism and Resentment: The Dangers of “Shoulding” All Over Yourself
PERFECTIONISM AND RESENTMENT: THE DANGERS OF SHOULDING ALL OVER YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE
“Musterbation” is a term Albert Ellis created to describe a type of irrational thinking that occurs when people impose a set of absolute demands and expectations on themselves and others. When we “should” all over the place, we succumb to relentless and overwhelming self-talk, and we go to great lengths to find evidence to support our unrealistic thoughts. We become ruled by limiting words such as “should,” “must,” “ought to,” “have to” and “could have”; and we end up with negative feelings when we think things should be a certain way, and they are not. Musterbation interferes with relationships, our creativity, and leads to anger, frustration, resentment, as well as shame, guilt, anxiety and depression.
When we live by “should” rules, we set ourselves up for feelings of hurt, frustration, disappointment, and resentment toward ourselves or others because we set standards that cannot be realistically met. When things don’t go, or people don’t act, as we think they should, our sense of fight or flight response activates, and we experience surges of adrenaline and cortisol. We prepare for danger, believing that there is imminent danger, but the only real threat stems from our thoughts about how things “should” be.
In a perfect world, we want ourselves to reach certain goals or we want others to treat us, or act a certain way. However, when we have thoughts about the way things “should” be, we ignore the fact that we live in an imperfect world. We are not accepting reality. We forget that life is actually messy.
IDENTIFYING SHOULD STATEMENTS
Personal expectations. Examples include, “I should study more.” “I shouldn’t eat sweets.” “I should do better.” When we hold ourselves up to rigid and unrealistic standards and don’t meet those expectations, we feel disappointed, inept, shame, guilt, self-doubt, stress and pressure. We feel less than or not enough.
Expectations of others. Examples include, “They should be considerate.” “They shouldn’t say that to me.” “He shouldn’t be rude.” Should statements set us up for anger, conflict, disappointment or resentment as others do not meet our unrealistic expectations.
COMBATING ABSOLUTE THINKING AND “SHOULD” STATEMENTS.
We cannot stop should statements from popping into our minds because should statements actually act as a protective measure against perceived dangers. And, while we cannot control that first thought, we can gain mastery over our second, third and fourth thoughts.
When we find ourselves “charged” or activated by absolute thinking (should, must, ought to, could have), we must first notice that we are “shoulding” on ourselves. And, when we feel anger or resentment toward others, we need to check in to see if we are “shoulding” all over them.
QUESTION THE THOUGHT
Once we identify the thought that causes us distress, the next step is to question the thought.
Is the thought absolutely true?
Can I know with absolute certainty that the thought is true?
What does reality tell you?
How can a “should” statement be true if in reality the thing that “should” be happening isn’t happening?
As Byron Katie says, “When we argue with reality, we lose only 100% of the time.”
The next step is to ask yourself, “How would I feel if I didn’t have the thought that things should be different?” Typically when we remove the thought that things should be different than they are, we find ourselves feeling more free or light.
So then, if thinking the thought brings us stress, and not thinking the thought brings us peace, can there be any good reason to hold onto the thought that brings us stress?
What if we turn the “should” statement around? What if we say, the situation should not be the way I want it to be? Might that actually be as true as the original thought? Reality tells us that it is since, in reality it happened the way that it did; not the way we wish it did.
If we choose to hold on to the stressful thought, we are responsible for how we feel about the situation since we have a choice between the stressful thought and the peaceful thought. We can always choose the peaceful thought. We can learn to recognize that it is not the “thing” that causes the stress, but rather our thoughts about the “thing.”
WOULD YOU TELL A CHILD OR YOUR BEST FRIEND THE SAME THING?
When you berate yourself or someone else for what they “should” or “should not” have done, consider whether you would impose that thought on a child or your best friend. For example, if your friend suggested that “a good friend would return their call.” You may offer your friend situations when you were unable to call others back for one reason or another that had nothing to do with being a good friend. You may explain how not calling back was not an indication about how you felt about the other person, but rather, due to other circumstances, such as scheduling, an emergency, or some other reason.
The thought that we, or someone else, “should” act a certain way causes us to create stories about why we, or they, acted the way they did. Most often the stories are not true. Can’t we give ourselves and others a break? Would you insist that a child or best friend adhere to the standards of perfection we impose on ourselves or others?
Identifying and challenging limiting beliefs couched as “should” statements takes practice and can make a big difference in how you feel and act. “Should” statements distract us from focusing on our work, being in the present and engaging with others.
When we take the time to focus and question the thoughts, we feel more free, lighter and more open.
If you are ready to work on reframing the limiting thoughts imposed by absolute thoughts, reach out for help at (310) 486-8842.