The Myth of “Success”: Two Important Steps You Can Take to Protect Your Kids from Toxic Stress

Because of advances in technology, globalism, and increases in perceived threats of terrorism and war, Americans are caught up in a culture of fear. A look at parenting in affluent communities presents an opportunity to look at how fear guides behavior.  

Parents, especially those living in affluent communities, turn to intensive parenting styles because of their fear of failure as represented by their child not achieving “success,” which can be represented by their child gaining admission into a “good college.” However, despite good intentions, intensive parenting presents a threat to a child’s sense of self and may contribute to exposure to “toxic stress.”. 

In response to intensive parenting and societal pressures to “succeed,” children in affluent communities strive for, often unreasonably, high levels of achievement. Receiving clear messages from parents, teachers, coaches and others in the community, children understand that they are only “good enough” if they meet the community’s expectations of “success.” 

It is well known that humans have a biological need to be seen, understood and accepted just as we are. When that need is met, the child feels free and develops a healthy sense of self or a “true self.” 

On the other hand, when children come to believe that their worthiness and acceptance by the community is conditional and based upon high-level performance, they often acquiesce to the environmental pressure, and present what is called a “false self” in order to gain acceptance. “False self” presentations present a psychological threat to the child and result in the body responding with overwhelming levels of stress hormones, such as cortisol. 

The 1991 ACEs study described how high levels of stress, and the body’s hormonal response to that stress, rise to the level of “toxic stress,” which greatly increases the risk of developing serious health and mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, substance abuse problems, obesity, heart disease, cancer, diabetes and even suicide. Traditionally experts have used the term “toxic stress” to describe the experience of inner-city youth living with, what we understand as highly traumatic experiences such as domestic violence, parental incarceration, child abuse, poverty, neglect, parental mental illness, substance abuse issues and other well-known childhood stressors.

Although children living in affluent communities experience far different types of stressors, they are still at-risk of experiencing toxic stress, because they experience high levels of persistent stress over time. While the experiences of affluent children and inner city children are very different, the brain and the body cannot discern between the two experiences and respond to the high-level, ongoing stress similarly. In the face of ongoing and intense stress experienced by high-achieving adolescents, the body becomes overwhelmed with dangerous hormones that create the risk of toxic stress.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Redefine your understanding of the word “success” 

What are the markers of success? Is it owning fancy cars? Living in a certain neighborhood? Getting into a certain college?

It is well known that when the definition of success depends upon the acquisition of materialistic pursuits, standing in the community or other external forces, people are vulnerable to depression, anxiety, high levels of stress and other psychological issues. Problems with a definition of success that depends upon achievement or collecting material objects occur because often people who have amassed great wealth or high-levels of achievement, often feel unfulfilled. For those who focus on achievement as a marker of success, any bump in the road feels devastating. Often the thrill of achieving the intended goal is short-lasting and then the person looks to the next “thing” to satisfy the need for success.

Some people define success according to their sense of fulfillment. Fulfillment  involves the enjoyment of the pursuit of growth. Many equate fulfillment with having a sense of meaning, purpose or contribution to the community. 

Because fulfillment focuses on the journey and not the destination, failures feel more benign. The experience of the striving and growth are the focus of fulfillment, rather than the final destination. While people who base their sense of success on achievement or the racking up of objects, often experience feelings of emptiness, those that equate success with fulfillment, experience a greater sense of well-being and a greater sense of control over their world. Feelings of fulfillment endure and enrich us. 

When we offer children a reframe of the definition of success from one of achievement or the collection of objects to an appreciation of the experiences along the way we can provide the foundation for additional growth, a sense of well-being and opportunities for making sense of life’s challenges.

Let your child know they “matter”

Humans have an innate, biological need to feel seen, heard and understood. When people feel like they matter and they are good enough without having to do anything, they can be themselves and know that they will feel accepted just the way they are. They develop a secure attachment experience that nurtures a “true self,” a feeling of being in control and a sense that the world is a safe place. 

On the other hand when a child learns to believe that their value depends upon achievement and satisfying the needs of their parents or the community, they will do whatever it takes to create connection with others, to the extent that they will abandon their true selves and put forth a “false self” presentation in an effort to gain acceptance. A “false self” presentation contributes to anxiety, depression, substance use, self-harming behaviors and even suicide. 

Children need to know that they matter and when adults let them know that they will be loved and appreciated just the way they are. Parents can show kids that they matter by taking the time to learn about and understand the child’s interests and by celebrating the child’s uniqueness. 

The focus is not on praising the child or giving awards for showing up, but rather, on getting to know them. Parents can show kids that they matter by demonstrating warmth and affection even when kids are at their worst or when they experience failure. Parents can also explicitly let kids know that they are loved by expressing our affection and warmth toward them. An “I love you” goes a long way toward giving kids a feeling of value. Finally, parents can also let kids know they matter when they engage in mutual activities. For example, some parents meet their child where they are at and play video games with their kids to create connection. 

All parents want their children to live a good life, feel connected and loved, experience joy and a sense of well-being. While parents cannot control everything that happens in a child’s world, parents can control their outlook on success and how they convey value to children. Shifting the focus to a growth mindset and taking steps to see, hear and understand children, letting them know that they matter will create protective factors necessary to prevent toxic stress.

For more information about the risk of toxic stress for affluent adolescents, please reach out at (310)486-8842.